A place to be..

Even when we were a child, people often ask us what we wanted to be..

An architect! A doctor! An engineer! A superhero!

I remembered myself shouting those words with excitement..
None of it came true, not even quite close.. change of heart perhaps? or just waking up to what is reachable and what is far from reality..

An architect? I'm not even good at drawing.. A doctor? my family cannot afford it.. An engineer? Taken by discouragements.. A superhero? uhmm, really?

As I grew old and more mature, my interests also grew far from a child's..

Nursing? Lots of opportunity (at least during that time).. Chemistry? I love this subject.. Biology? What the hell, I almost failed that subject in HS..

well.. I ended up finishing biology, -_- the course I planned to take just for challenge because I hardly learned from it back in HS.. At first it was a bit scary..

what am I doing here? what is it that awaits me? what job? what future?..

Far from home, it was a bit hard for me to adjust but it didn't take that long for me to be able to..
4 and a half years have passed, I grew independent.. I learned to enjoy the path I took but still, I don't know what I want to be.. Where I want to be..


Until I met her.. that one person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.. Everything seemed to be clearer.. at least clearer than how it was..I was motivated, inspired, and suddenly I knew the path I would want to take.. from then on I planned my future.. and in every part, she was in it.. Everything seemed so perfect.. I'm on the right track, full speed towards my dream.. Everything back then was for "us"


But things don't always end up the way we wanted them to.. No matter how you plan it, no matter how perfect it looked like.. the universe always finds its way to play tricks on you and mess things up..
Suddenly she chose a different path, a path far from what we planned.. A path where I was not in it..

Everything looked so different.. Suddenly the future became pitch black.. back to where I was..
what do I want to do? where do I want to be? I know I can, but I lack the motivation.. what for? why? for whom? I'm not a "for my self" guy.. I'd rather do something for others than do it for myself - which became the culprit of my death..


I don't know how to sum things up.. It is always good to have a plan, but not for everything.. sometimes you just have to let things happen.. some of the best things in life are unplanned..
reaching our dreams is not easy.. but neither is knowing it.. 'coz it is in knowing what we truly want, what our hearts desire, that we will find true happiness, contentment..

Having a drink 6 in the morning, what was I thinking?

well, my mind thinks a LOT nowadays..

about what? a LOT..

but I guess it's just a perfect moment to take a time and ponder on one..

Sometimes it can be the hardest thing, as well as the best thing, to let someone go.....for whatever reasons. Happiness CAN come from letting go.

well, yeah I just had a break up.. and it was a serious one..

let us just say that I got out of a relationship I thought and hoped would last a little longer, atleast forever..

It was hell of a ride.. a rollercoaster ride.. but nevertheless, I was happy.

I never thought that everything would come to this.. and never expected it to end this way.

there are many thoughts running in my head..

questions that even I can answer but answers I refuse to believe.

you could have told me.. but then I  know you already tried, many times.. I listened but I didn't believe.. you always asked

why me? You deserve someone better

all the time, I answered:

I know, and that you are that someone.. coz I know you can be better than who you are right now.. and why you? coz I can't find any reason not to..

optimism.. believing on the vows we made.

you've always wanted to see me mad, hate and even curse you..

you tried a lot, extending my patience to its widest and trying to be the worst person I ever met..

but you failed.. not even close.. not even now.. I do not know why..

I know and they say that I should be mad right now, hate you more than I could ever hate anyone..

but I am not, and I don't..

it is still you I always think about, it is still you I care about.. and you will always be amazing and wonderful to me.. why? I do not know..

or maybe I'm just too scared to admit..

I am still in love with you. 

Regrets? I don't have any.. why would I?

every right and wrong I ever did, all the decisions I've made, made me to someone I am now..

and you've been a very big part of it.. I regret not, even to this day, a single thing I did for you..

'coz I know I did all that for one reason..

you deserved to be loved.

I told you that I would never love this way again.. I meant it, and it was true..

I was at my best when you had me..

I tried to be the perfect boyfriend one could ever have..

well I guess trying doesn't equate to "being" after all..

and still, I will never love that way again.. coz I know I can do better than that..

better than the best you ever had.

It has been 77 days when you finally had the courage to tell me the truth..

but it has been longer than that since you first made me feel it..

I was just a coward to ask.. to hear what it is you are about to say..

you were always frank and straight to point..

and your words were always sharper than a newly forged sword.

I tried not to be the optimist me you used to see..

the me who never gives up.. the me who never loses faith..

That time I didn't raise my shield, coz I didn't have any.

I no longer have the "us" to protect..

so i just let your words stab and pierce through me..I left my self vulnerable to you..

you hit me right, and took away every single bit that was left of me for you..

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..

now here I am.. even stronger than before..

I tried to believe that there is still a chance for "us"..

but i think it is time for me to stop believing..

We had our chance, by fate or destiny, or by any other means..

but you chose your own path,

different from what we dreamt of, what I dreamt of.. 

now I'm choosing mine..

Time will tell.. my life will always be an open book..

I won't let the past haunt me like yours haunted you..

I won't let it get in my way, not anymore..

everything ends NOW..

** it took me hours but it was totally worth it.. now I am one less thought to worry about.. next topic to ponder:CAREER